Blog Post #49: 30 hilarious quotes for new parents

You’ve embarked on the wildest ride of your life, where sleep is a distant memory, coffee is your best friend, and you’ve forgotten what adult conversation feels like. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here are 30 hilarious quotes that perfectly capture the rollercoaster of parenthood. Laughing is the best way to stay sane when you're navigating the wonderful chaos of raising a tiny human.

1. "Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." — Carol Burnett

2. "People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one." — Leo J. Burke

3. "90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again." — Anonymous

4. "Why don't kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?" — Alyson Hannigan

5. "The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable." — Lane Olinghouse

6. "You know you’re a parent when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was cold." — Anonymous

7. "Parenting: If you’re not tired, you’re not doing it right." — Anonymous

8. "Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious." — Anonymous

9. "Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos." — Anonymous

10. "Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future." — Amy Poehler

11. "Having a baby is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up." — Ray Romano

12. "Becoming a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how." — Anonymous

13. "I love when my kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." — Anonymous

14. "Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine." — Anonymous

15. "The phrase 'working mother' is redundant." — Jane Sellman

16. "Before I got married I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories." — John Wilmot

17. "There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age." — Benjamin Spock

18. "Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee." — David Frost

19. "The easiest way to shop with kids is not to." — Anonymous

20. "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." — Franklin P. Jones

21. "Parenthood is the scariest 'hood' you will ever go through." — Anonymous

22. "90% of parenting is hiding snacks from your children." — Anonymous

23. "Kids are like tiny, drunk humans. You have to repeat everything you say, they cry for no reason, and they watch the same TV shows over and over again." — Anonymous

24. "My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well played." — Anonymous

25. "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it." — Anonymous

26. "Parenting is whispering 'for the love of God' before making any request to your children." — Anonymous

27. "The fastest land animal is a toddler with something in their mouth." — Anonymous

28. "No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too." — Chrissy Teigen

29. "Every day I wake up and think: How on earth did my mom do this?" — Anonymous

30. "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." — Ed Asner

There you have it, folks! These quotes should provide a little comic relief as you navigate the wonderful, messy, and absolutely exhausting journey of parenthood. Remember, laughter is the best medicine—right after coffee, that is. Hang in there, you’ve got this!

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